Slang of the Week
hissy fit (noun): an outburst of anger

Written to a bank by a 96 year old woman.

Written to a bank by a 96 year old woman.

The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.

Dear Sir: I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.

By my calculations three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it.

I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.

I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh - and - blood person. M

y mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete.

I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.

Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, I will issue your employee a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.

I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press the buttons as follows:

1. To make an appointment to see me.

2. To query a missing payment.

3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.

8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.

9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year.

Your Humble Client

(Remember: This was written by a 96 year old woman.) That A Girl!!!!!!!!

If all of the desserts listed below were sitting in front of you,which would you choose? Pick your dessert, then look to see what Psychiatrists think about you! After taking this dessert personality test, send this e-mail on to others, but when you do, be sure to put your choice of dessert in the subject box above.

ALSO, SEND IT TO THE PERSON WHO SENT IT TO YOU!

Sorry you can only pick ONE:

Angel Food Cake

Brownies

Lemon Meringue

Vanilla cake with Chocolate Icing

Strawberry Short Cake

Chocolate on Chocolate

Ice Cream

Carrot Cake

NO. You can't change your mind once you scroll down! So think carefully what your choice will be! OK - Now that you've made your choice, this is what research says about you!

ANGEL FOOD CAKE...Sweet, loving, cuddly. You love all warm and fuzzy items. A little nutty at times. Sometimes you need an ice cream cone at the end of the day. Others perceive you as being childlike and immature at times.

BROWNIES...You are adventurous, love new ideas, are a champion of underdogs and a slayer of dragons. When tempers flare up, you whip out your saber. You are always the oddball with a unique sense of humor and direction. You tend to be very loyal.

LEMON MERINGUE... Smooth, sexy, & articulate with your hands, you are an excellent after-dinner speaker and a good teacher. But don't try to walk and chew gum at the same time. A bit of a diva at times, but you have many friends.

VANILLA CAKE WITH CHOCOLATE ICING... Fun-loving, sassy, humorous. Not very grounded in life; very indecisive and lack motivation. Everyone enjoys being around you, but you are a practical joker. Others should be cautious in making you mad. However, you are a friend for life.

STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE... Romantic, warm, loving. You care about other people and can be counted on in a pinch. You tend to melt. You can be overly emotional at times.

CHOCOLATE ON CHOCOLATE... Sexy; always ready to give and receive. Very creative, adventurous, ambitious, and passionate. You can appear to have a cold exterior but are warm on the inside. Not afraid to take chances. Will not settle for anything average in life. Love to laugh.

ICE CREAM... You like sports, whether it be baseball, football,basketball,or soccer. If you could, you would like to participate, but you enjoy watching sports. You don't like to give up the remote control. You tend to be self-centered and high maintenance.

CARROT CAKE... You are a very fun loving person, who likes to laugh. You are fun to be with. People like to hang out with you. You are a very warm hearted person and a little quirky at times. You have many loyal friends.


**DON'T FORGET - PUT YOUR CHOICE OF DESSERT IN SUBJECT BOX ABOVE BEFORE YOU FORWARD**

Beating A Dead Horse ( forcing an issue that is already closed ... )

You are beating a dead horse when you insist on talking about something that cannot be changed. Example: "I'd like to talk with you again about what happened." Reply: "Oh, come on. Let's not beat a dead horse."

Beating a dead horse is an action that has no purpose, because no matter how hard or how long you beat a dead horse, it is not going to get up and run. Example: "Let's not talk about it any more. Okay?" Reply: "You're right. We're just beating a dead horse."

To repeatedly bring up a particular topic with no chance of affecting the outcome is beating a dead horse. Example: "Dad, are you sure we can't get a new computer for the upstairs?" Reply: "Son, we talked about this and the decision was 'no'. You are beating a dead horse."

BEAT (OR FLOG) A DEAD HORSE - "Though he supported the measure, British politician and orator John Bright thought the Reform Bill of 1867, which called for more democratic representation, would never be passed by Parliament. Trying to rouse Parliament from its apathy on the issue, he said in a speech, would be like trying to 'flog a dead horse' to make it pull a load. This is the first recorded use of the expression, which is still common for 'trying to revive interest in an apparently hopeless issue.'." From the "Encyclopedia of Word and Phrase Origins" by Robert Hendrickson (Fact on File, New York, 1997)

There's a new virus going around. It is called C-Nile. Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of it so be warned. It appears to affect mostly those of us who were born before 1960.

Symptoms of C-Nile Virus:
1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice
2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail
3. Causes you to send it to the wrong person
4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you
5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment
6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished the

From The Good, Clean Funnies List
http://www.gcfl.net/

This says it All

This says it All

Time passes.

Life happens.

Distance separates.

Children grow up.

Love waxes and wanes.

Hearts break.

Careers end.

Jobs come and go.

Parents die.

Colleagues forget favors.

Men don't call when they say they will.

BUT...........

Girlfriends are there, no matter how much time and how many miles are between you.

A girlfriend is never farther away than needing her can reach.

When you have to walk that lonesome valley and you have to walk it for yourself, your girlfriends will be on the valley's rim, cheering you on, praying for you, pulling for you, intervening on your behalf, and waiting with open arms at the valley's end. Sometimes, they will even break the rules and walk beside you. Or come in and carry you out.

Daughters, Daughter-in-laws, sisters, sisters-in-law, mother, mother-in-law, aunties, nieces, cousins, extended family, and friends bless our life!

The world wouldn't be the same without them, and neither would I.

When we began this adventure called womanhood, we had no idea of the incredible joys or sorrows that lay ahead. Nor did we know how much we would need each other.

Every day, we need each other still.

Pass this on to the women who help make your life work.

I just did.